I don't know what to do with myself now that my mother has died. There is a strange limbo between the death and the funeral. You sit around, you cry a lot, and you wonder what to do with yourself. Time has stopped, life has changed irrevocably, and yet, there is also nothing to do.
So I made up things for myself to do. "Keep busy," I said to myself, "Keep busy so that you won't think so much."
The electrician was scheduled to come to install some lights outside for us. It didn't seem like there was a reason to reschedule, and so he came. We went and made the funeral arrangments, keeping an appointment I had made at the beginning of the week so as not to have to make arrangements while in the midst of a terrible grief. We fed E. breakfast, and lunch. We went to the police station and tried to get a "Certificate of Non Criminal Record" for our dossier. The nice policeman said, "We don't do those," and handed us a paper filled with stuff to prove that we had no "negative or criminal contact" with our local police department.
I suppose it's something like having sex after a tragedy, to chase away the demons and affirm life and have a few moments of anesthesia. In part I turned to the daughter who is coming, the daughter my mom will never meet, the daughter my mom was sewing a quilt for when she was taken ill, turned to the idea of her as a source of comfort. There is always more paperwork, always one more thing that needs to be done. Always a way to find something to do while waiting and waiting and waiting.
Still, what to do?
Posted by grrlTravels at September 18, 2004 4:03 PM