grrlTravels

I hope it's Eel (?) and not something worse

My head is really still pretty float-y. I have trouble sleeping sometimes. I have trouble concentrating--I lot. I do things I never do, like driving around aimlessly while trying to remember where I was going in the first place. Nope, can't remember. Can I remember why I actually got in the car in the first place? It must have been some kind of errand, something I needed to accomplish...I'm usually trying to get things done for work or the adoption...Do we have food in the fridge? Nope, still got nothing.

Things you always knew but never really understood until now #1: Grieving is hard and takes a Really Long Time. Much longer than you think it will. Much longer than the 4 weeks or so you had allotted for it.

So, since I'm all float-y and surreal and can't seem to think, here's an entry with no thinking required. How nice!

Homework assigment from Home Study Class--Annotated

Page 1-2: Read these books, blah, blah, blah

A:We've got this covered. Oh no, the books aren't read yet, but they have been purchased and sit next to the bed, staring at me at inopportune times and making me feel guilty. Perhaps I should sleep with one under the old pillows?

Page 3: Parent's Pledge of Commitment (to be signed)

A: Yet another piece of paper which "regular" parents would never have to sign, but we do since we want to grow our family through adoption. Sigh. Sometimes it is a bit demeaning, I'd have to agree. Yes, I understand that it's possible that we might love our child less because she isn't genetically linked to us and therefore we should be asked to sign papers promising that no, we will still love her anyway, DNA or not. (See, I can be cranky too!)

Page 4: Transitions Exercise

As a couple, pick top five deprivations you think your child will be experiencing before he/she arrives at your home. Record them on the chart and develop a plan to help your child transition easier to your home, their new environment.

Column 1: LIST FIVE DEPRIVATIONS YOUR CHILD EXPERIENCED AT THE ORPHANAGE/FOSTER CARE.

Column 2: DEVELOP A PLAN OF ACTION TO HELP YOUR CHILD TRANSITION TO YOUR HOME AND FAMILY.

A: I am weepy. Just looking at this and knowing I should think about these things makes me want to cry.

At the seminar, we were there trying to act cool and together and psychologically sound and ready to parent an adopted child, just on the off chance that there was some way they could rescind the home study and say that no, we probably weren't ready quite yet. And then, the very first thing the director discussed was having your previous issues worked out so that you wouldn't be working out your issues through your child. (I am not debating her point. It was a good point, and she made it much more clearly than the muddled sentence above.) And then she used as an illustrative point something like, "People could die, your mother could die during the process of adopting..." and I tried as hard as I could but I just started crying right there in the room with all of the other adoptive parents looking earnest and psychologically stable.

Page 5: At Home Experiences
1. Yadda yadda yadda. Have you ever felt rejected by a child? How did that make you feel?

2a. Have one spouse, preferably the worst cook, prepare a meal. Have the cook tell you that he/she will be making a "surprise meal" and that it will be served at an unspecified time. Cooks, make sure that your spouse is really hungry and remove the plate/bowl before you think your spouse is done. Why do you think this exercise is important?

2b. Go to a restaurant with the menu in a foreign language and pick something without knowing what it is and see how much you can eat. Or, have the spouse that made the "surprise meal" select a dish for you to eat without your knowing what it is. How was it? Why do you think this exercise is important?

A: Point made. I do find these questions food for thought. (Pun not intended, but sitting right there anyway.) The idea of ordering and eating something where I don't know what it is or if I will like it makes me a little crazy. And yet, will my daughter not have that experience numerous times? Probably. I heard recently that someone who had adopted a child internationally (and it could have been China) said that at the orphanage all the kids really eat is awful rice gruel. And the point made at the seminar was, "Don't bring the child home to a room full to the brim of stuff (Books! Toys! Dolls! Colors!MUSIC!HAPPINESS!!!AMERICA!) and start just feeding them American food and pretend that this is normal for them. (From sensory deprivation straight to sensory overload won't be fun for anyone.)

My policy is, the more I resist something, the more I probably need to do that exact thing. (Thanks to years of therapy.) So I am contemplating doing #2b and really seeing what it is like. And of course in a Chinese restaurant, because it's much more fair that way. If we go into the city we could end up with something really distasteful. What fun that would be!

Posted by grrlTravels at October 13, 2004 4:48 PM