It's a select group of people who adopt a child. A subset who adopt internationally. A smaller group even still who adopt from [insert chosen country here]. And then there are those of us who are fertiles and yet choose to adopt. It seems that we are a very small group indeed (albeit with some very good bloggy company).
Sometimes it's disconcerting. Sometimes you feel like a fertile wandering around with the infertiles, a bright red "F" emblazoned on your chest, a small goat in a herd of sheep, eating the grass along with everyone else and hoping not to get noticed.* We were quite astounded at how much of the adoption process was geared to address fertility issues. You see, we had just never made that strong a connection between the two. Perhaps because we had always considered adoption as a possiblity for us, and we were fertile, and it didn't seem all that strange.
One of the bigger issues in the adoption process revolves around the degree to which prospective adoptive parents have dealt with the pain and grief surrounding their (presumed) infertility. I have had a hard time finding a comfortable place to stand on this issue. On the one hand, it's my belief that a baby doesn't fix anything, biological or adopted. On the other hand, how many of us honestly would have children if the requirement was that we had to have every issue related to becoming parents resolved beforehand? I am strong in my beliefs that infertile couples should try their darndest to work through enough of their pain and grief and disappointment so as to be able to make a good, clearheaded decision about adoption. I am equally strong in my beliefs that fertile couples have the exact same responsibility to take care of all personal issues which will have a negative impact on their families and children. (Almost 10 years of therapy to back that assertion up.) Today on a favorite blog of mine there was a beautifully written entry discussing this exact topic. Thanks, Karen, for some much needed honesty and clarity. Suddenly I feel indescribably lucky to be the goat that the sheep invited along for the ride, because what a ride it is!
*Please Note: No criticism is implied by my use of sheep imagery. I love sheep. And from a Biblical standpoint, sheep imagery is positive and comforting. Reading Psalms 23 helps me identify with my inner sheep.
Posted by grrlTravels at January 27, 2005 10:57 PMI've got lots of comments today : ) Personally (and I'm a long time member of the infertile camp), I am always thrilled when anyone chooses to adopt, fertile or infertile. The thought of all of the children out there growing up in orphanages/foster homes is heart wrenching. I have made a conscious decision to maintain friendships with other adoptive families . . . even if we don't share much else in common. In C's class at church there are three other adopted children. In her class of 14 at school, there are at least two other adopted children. And we talk about her friends who are adopted. Actually we talk quite a bit about your daughter. C will say "Is that the one Aunt Amy is getting for me?" I guess that stems from her desire to have a cousin! On another topic, it is interesting when strangers comment on C being adopted, but not saying a thing about J. Because J is caucasion, they assume he is our biological son. I am always quick to say something like "Actually both of our children were adopted through the Liberty Godparent Home."
Posted by: Dana at January 27, 2005 9:26 AM