I just finished the second book required for our home study. The book, International Adoption: Challenges and Opportunities, may as well have been titled "Prospective Adoptive Parents: Just Give It Up Now", it was that bad. I feel reluctantly angry: I can understand why the home study agency wants parents to read this book as it gives quite a bit of information on the various issues your child and your family may face as a result of adopting a child who has lived in an institution. However, much of the information wasn't relevant to me because: 1. I'm not adopting a child over 3 (that I know of); 2. I'm not adopting a child from Eastern Europe or the former USSR (pretty sure of this one). And it was a painful read.
From my perspective, many people including myself go into parenting with some unacknowledged dreams. The dreams are centered around the health and wellbeing of my child. And many people (myself included) secretly wish for a "perfect" child--no physical problems, no mental or emotional issues. A "perfect" child, while not guaranteed a healthy and happy life, seems to have a much better chance of having one.
After the arrival of your child you begin to realize that your child is not the next Einstein, is not coordinated enough to be a professional athlete who will keep you comfortable in your old age, and does not have any of the same dreams for himself/herself that you secretly have. There is a process of letting go of the ideal and accepting your child for who he/she is. I'm not sure the dreams are a bad thing, either--they help us to see the true potential in our children and to value their accomplishments along the way. They also speak to the love that we have for our children and the life that we would wish for them.
A part of this process of adopting internationally for me is grieving the loss of the ideal a lot sooner. More than likely our child has spent some time living under less then ideal conditions. Since we are not adopting an infant, our future child has sustained well documented wounds, both physical and emotional, very early in life. Before we meet our child, before the referral picture arrives, we are grieving the losses our child has already suffered. She will have suffered the trauma of being separated from her birth parents. She will have lived her life under less than ideal conditions. She will be developmentally delayed when we meet her.
Please don't think that I am being unduly negative here. We will love our daughter unreservedly. We will hope for a quick recovery, and do everything in our power to help her along the way. We will accept our daughter for who she is, celebrate her culture and ethnicity, and support and encourage her talents and dreams. We are very capable of loving a child who has special needs. I long to meet her with every ounce of myself. I cannot wait for us to begin sharing our lives.
But the ideal has never been a possibility for the child we will bring into our family. And that is a loss, for her and for us.
Posted by grrlTravels at February 24, 2005 2:42 PMBut the ideal has never been a possibility for the child we will bring into our family. And that is a loss, for her and for us.
True. But really? For many children and their families it is not ideal (students I work with at school come to mind :( That said, I think that when people are open-minded, with a receptive heart, there is a great deal of beauty in imperfection.
Posted by: Marla at February 25, 2005 5:50 PMI suppose you're right, but you know, I also feel like it'll be fine. I mean, good parenting makes up for a lot of losses - and we've all got 'em, that's for sure.
In any case, I just want to say that Ping was not developmentally delayed (not that we would have batted an eye if she had been, mind you). We were pleasantly surprised. She was in an orphanage, too. It's good to be prepared, but you just never know.
Posted by: Brooklyn Mama at February 25, 2005 9:22 PMI agree that the ideal is never really a possibility for anyone--who among us can achieve perfection? (Even if we really, really try...) But I also wonder how many parents out there have a secret wish for it, if they really examine themselves. I thought I was very open to a special needs child, and then I kept crossing conditions off the list. And I realized that I had some unresolved feelings that I needed to deal with. In the end I do believe that the life we will share with her will compensate for her early scars, and we can all grieve the loss of the ideal together.
Posted by: Amy at February 25, 2005 9:58 PM