Once upon a time I got my packet from the adoption agency and we began our paperchase. Knowing that the paperchase would be long and boring to everyone but us, I wanted to immerse myself in adoption stuff, but I didn't know how. So I went to the FCC Web site and clicked on The Mall and went through Every Single Link. And I bought some really embarrassing adoption crap, some items even containing the dreaded Coccinellidae sp. Which made me happy at the time, but now is so embarrassing that I'm afraid that if I posted the items here, my G2BS online buddies would disown me immediately. Yes, they were that bad.
When I got further along with my paperwork I eventually joined the big group. It was a scary step for me because I knew that there was a LOT of conflict, and I hate conflict. But there were things I needed to know and I didn't want to roam around the Internet asking my stupid newbie questions to random bloggers so I joined.
I am still amazed at the level of conflict that list generates, sometimes over the most mundane things. One of the controversies I remember best was regarding certain items that adoptive parents buy which could be deemed offensive to Asians or disrespectful of Chinese culture. In fact, someone I greatly respect posted a list of Items You Might Want to Consider Carefully as the parent of an adopted Asian child. Rather than using this list as a place to begin thinking through certain issues related to racism and misperceptions and careless thinking, a small war broke out.
Some of the regulars posted about how we are free here in America to buy whatever crap we so choose, and how posting a list of "banned" items was offensive. I agree that we have many personal freedoms in this country and one of them certainly is the freedom to behave like a nincompoop if you so choose. Another freedom is the freedom to act offensively against any culture you choose, claiming that you "didn't mean to hurt anyone" and "you didn't know any better".
My point being: Listening to someone else's point of view, continually educating yourself, admitting to mistakes you may have made out of ignorance, and changing your behavior are also things you are free to do. It takes a certain something to be able to publicly admit that you made a mistake and to learn from it. A certain something that I want to have.
And so I am going to post the offensive, freedom killing list here with my comments. And I will welcome any feedback, so long as it is respectful. Because I am intensely interested in learning and growing, and not afraid to say when I am wrong. And I already own a ladybug bracelet, so I've already offended a bunch of bloggers I greatly admire.
LIST COMING TOMORROW
It's called building anticipation...
And I'm so long winded that the entry was going to be way too long...
Okay, my favorite part of today's entry was the eloquent use of the word "nincompoop." Not sure I have actually ever seen that word in written form, but I do enjoy it ever so much. C is being a nincompoop today. Ever since I picked her up from VBS. Maybe it can be chalked up to a bad case of the "I just left LBI" blues.
Posted by: dana at June 21, 2005 5:50 PMThe offensive stuff on domestic adoption lists is usually about birth parents. Either that they're convenient carrying cases for our future children or that they're inconvenient carrying cases who should know when to go away already. But then there are the benign people who are very grateful to the saintly women who did the Right Thing by giving up their babies to people who are obviously more deserving.
But at least there aren't any ladybugs!
Posted by: Dawn at June 21, 2005 6:20 PMI hope you're not including me in the list of bloggers your ladybug bracelet offends! It's not the ladybugs themselves that are so awful -- it's the attitudes and ignorance that the ladybuggers seem to have in spades. You are not in that group, my dear, so wear your ladybug bracelet with pride.
Posted by: Mrs Figby at June 21, 2005 6:34 PMWhere is the list?? I wanna see it.
And ladybugs are cool..but I agree with Mrs Figby. Ladybug people generally are clueless.
Posted by: Michelle at June 21, 2005 8:57 PMI think what has happened is that the China adoption community has become divided down the middle between those who latch on to tsoctshkes like ladybugs and red threads and Made in China tee-shirts because they're cute and it's a FREE country!, and those who realize they need to dig a little deeper to try to explain adoption to their children. In a perfect world, I suppose, the poor ladybug would be a harmless token. But I think it represents one school of thought that embraces tokenism over probing questions. Wouldn't it be nice to have a balance? And believe me, there were times this past winter when I was enmeshed in a bitter inner conflict over the ethics of international adoption as it related to my desire to be a mother, and I could understand how it's easier to latch onto the myths and legends of the adoption world. On the other hand, if someone gave my child a ladybug token because they had read that it was a symbol of China adoption, I wouldn't be offended at this point. A Made in China tee-shirt? Yeah, I'd strangle them with it. Oh wait, I'm striving for less conflict in my life these days.
Another brilliant post. I can't wait to read The List!
Posted by: Figlet at June 21, 2005 9:21 PMHa! See, I'm so worked up with my waiting that I got too anxious for your list! I'll be back tomorrow!
Posted by: Michelle at June 21, 2005 10:02 PMIt's not about the symbols per se, but how you use 'em. Ladybugs, red threads, whatever - as long as you're asking the questions and listening to the answers, it's fine.
I used the red thread legend in my wedding invitation - of course that was using it as it's actually meant to be used. But I must admit, there's something about the idea that we have ended up parenting this particular child. Out of all the parents and all the children, we ended up with Ping, and she with us. There is something amazing about that - and wonderful, because there's so much love in our family. And I think the red thread is sort of symbolic of that path that led us all together. And no one can Steal My Joy about that!!!
Posted by: Brooklyn Mama at June 21, 2005 10:13 PMYeah, I agree with everyone who's already said that it's more what the Ladybuggers represent than the ladybug symbol. I'll confess to be ridiculously enamored of the red thread symbolism when we first started talking about China adoption. It wasn't till I joined that list that I became so against ladybugs and red threads. Those crazy people have ruined those symbols for me. But you are most definitely not one of them.
Posted by: Kim at June 21, 2005 11:43 PMKim just hit the nail on the head: the crazys spoilt the fun godammit. They STOLE OUR JOY! Let's go get 'em....
Posted by: Jo at June 22, 2005 4:47 AMWhat everyone else said ... my mom gave me a ladybug charm for my charm bracelet while we were waiting, because she'd read it was good luck. Didn't mind that at all. Li owns at least one pretty cute ladybug teeshirt. It's all about balance. Remember, we don't judge you ... we judge everyone ELSE.
Posted by: Jen at June 22, 2005 9:09 AM