When we started assembling our dossier* we got a binder from our agency with all sorts of stuff in it. It was a pretty good binder filled with things like bibliographies (it will take the rest of my life to read through all of the adoption stuff currently on my list) and the Argonne National Laboratory Anti-Jet-Lag Diet (sounds like a bunch of hooey to me), and a map of China with the average monthly temperature of the major cities. Included was the Emotional Cycle of Adoption. The Emotional Cycle of Adoption is a chart of statements such as "Event: Complete Adoption Application. Emotional Feelings and Thoughts: Commitment, resolve, excitement, maybe some worry about status of application." I never related all that well to the Emotional Cycle of Adoption, because I was never feeling what they told me I might be at the time they told me I might be feeling it. I'm sort of rebellious like that.
However I did have my own Adoption Lifecycle. Thinking back, it oddly parallels the stages of my life.
Childhood: Submit application and begin dossier preparation. Feel confident, happy, and ready to go. Have relatively few worries and concerns.
Adolescence: Submit dossier. Begin to feel uneasy, like there is more out there than I currently understand. Begin researching.
College years: The wait. Research adoption related issues. Read like crazy. Meet some online friends. Become passionate about adoption related issues and issues surrounding adoption from China in particular. Form opinions and express them. Get angry. Attempt to become more educated and feel overwhelmed at how much there is to know and how much I don't know.
20s: Referral is coming soon. Stop reading. Stop thinking. Become somewhat paralyzed. Worry a lot about the referral. Think about all of the "What ifs": What if I am referred a child from some wacky province that no one has ever adopted from? What if it looks like there is something wrong with her? What if I see her picture and I think she is hideous?
30s: Get referral. Fall in love. Meet Z., bring her home, and try to cope with adding another child to the family, having two children, and having a child with developmental issues. Continue not reading. Dig in and try to eat, sleep, and poop every day. Remember to breathe when possible.
40s: Adjust to the new family member. Return to the land of the living. Feel hopeful that life will return to "normal" some day. Start reading again. Become involved in adoption community again. Consider adopting again.
I'm not quite 40 yet (3 more months before I hit that exciting milestone) and I'm just sticking my toe back in the water. But at least I believe I can now, whereas before it didn't seem possible.
All that to say that I'm going to start reading and thinking and learning and fuming and posting about adoption again. To get things rolling I'm stealing a link from Amber's blog because I can't stop thinking about it. Race. Many transracially adoptive parents don't want to think about it or deal with it, and choose to believe that race will not affect their families. I disagree. I'm no expert—I'm in the very beginning stages of dealing with this issue. But if you want a broad range of viewpoints on the issue of racism and being a racist I encourage you to read this post and, more importantly, the comments responding to it. Interesting, thought-provoking stuff.
*I almost wrote "our adoption journey". I could have written that, but then I would have had to go outside and heave a number of times. I think perhaps a ladybug crawled in my ear and is eating my brain. That's the only explanation I have.