grrlTravels

Lovely post. Lots to mull over. Usually, thoughts about LSP's birth parents wander into my mind when I least expect it. Like when she's being really funny or really stubborn, and I'm enjoying (or not) the moment. And I find myself wondering who she takes after. Thinking "One of them was .... or the other parent was obviously .... Funny stuff that hovers over our daily existence. I haven't started talking to her about them; I like the idea of practicing. I do talk to her about coming from China and how we went there, but haven't touched on her family of origin yet. So, like you, maybe it's time to try it on, see how it feels, and get comfortable with it.

Hey there, your concise and graceful post deserves a much longer reply than I can give right not, but I just wanted to through in two things. One was this annoying thing that happened to me the other day. A friend asked me "So have you decided what N.'s birthday will be? Will it be the day she was born or the day you got her?" I thought this was an insane question, so I just immediatly said that her birthday, of COURSE, was the day she was born. The day we get her is our family's adoption day. Now I've been stewing over this for a few days, though, and I've been thinking about how it reflects both a certain arrogance--a denial that N. had a life before u?s--and also a really wierd attitude towards N.'s birth and birthparents. What, her birth didn't count because we weren't there? Oh, I can't even go on, it just makes me so mad. Anyway, it really made me think again (and I think about this all of the time) what difficult moments must have passed on that day...

And like you, I often look at N's physical form, but also her personality, and wonder who created this amazing child. How can one not wonder about that--and be in awe of it.

I tell N. little bits of my part of the story when we look at the quilt I made while waiting for her. She doesn't know what I'm talking about (she's just 13 months old), and she doesn't even care about the quilt, although she sleeps with it every night. But, like you said, it is a way of starting the conversation that, I think, we will continue and grow more complex throughout our lives.

I didn't wait to start a toddler/preschool lifebook. The text is finished. It's not perfect, but it's an easy way to tell her story that's developmentally appropriate-- and helps me keep it simple during the early years. If you want to read it, email me privately.

Great post. Li's first family has been in my mind even more than usual this week with her birthday and everything, and I find myself wondering if they are thinking about her too. She doesn't really understand yet -- more because her verbal skills are still developing, she's definitely got the cognitive skills to get it -- but we talk about China and her first family all the time. So hopefully there will never be a time she doesn't remember knowing the story. It's the only thing we can give her right now.

i got nothin' on the adoption angle (though what you said was certainly lovely and seems in line with my ideas on the topic), but i wanted to say THANK YOU for including the comment about in-laws. that is, once more, a topic that's brewing in my head for my own bloggery.

I was nodding my head all the way through.

Sometimes I practiced telling a story, but it also helps just to talk about adoption, to drop into conversation something like "maybe your birth mother had brown hair like you do," or to work adoption into a conversation (like when my daughter asks "Mama, why does our cat have whiskers" I will say, well, he looks like he does because his birthparents did--just like you look a little like your birth mother and a little like your birth father. Cats have birthparents too, after all :) ). There are times when I tell the story, for sure, but just talking about birth parents here and there got things rolling.

Doing a lifebook was another good thing.

This is a beautiful post, Amy.

Love this post. I also did a lifebook with Bug, even though she obviously was old enough to know what was going on. I think it helped her to see things written out like a story..her story.

So sage. Very wise words that for some inexplicable reason brought tears to my eyes.

Thanks for your thoughts. I learn so much every time I come here. :)

Why not just use the word mother instead of birthmother? I think the word birthmother is derogatory. I always think of the adoptive mother as the mom and the natural mother as the mother. I want to be respective to BOTH mothers so mom/mother is my way of not insulting either one.

I don't know if Kim will come back by to read this but I asked J (Madison's birth mom) about this early on and we revisited it again. She did not want any form of "mother" in her title for Madison. I asked her if she wanted to be "Mama J" for example and she said adamantly NO. She refers to herself as a birth mother and also rejected "first mother" (although I sometimes use this when I'm writing about her depending on the audience and what I'm trying to convey) as well as "natural mother." Butu I think that Kim makes a good point about discussing this with your child's first/birth family if there is openness.

Hey Dawn,
just saw this linked from another blog i was reading. So yes I did get to read your comment. I think the attitude and behaviour towards the natural mother is going to be more important than the title. Still I find birthmother grating while others dont mind it at all. If we all said mother instead of birthmother how would that feel? And if we all said her child instead of my child how would that feel? ( I mean is WE all said that not just those who adopt). I love your blog by the way Dawn, thanks for your input and grace in the blog world. Love your being around.