Today is my birthday. I am 40. The women at group last night told me that 40 is the new 30. I'm not sure what that means exactly but I know it was meant to be comforting.
I was determined to not descend into my usual melacholy at the thought of a zero birthday. I am happier than I was at 30, wiser than I was at 20. My 40s are going to be great. I believe that.
But for my 40th birthday I also gave myself a little clock. It's my cancer clock. And it's already ticking. You see my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer at 41. Her mother was diagnosed with breast cancer in her early 40s. My grandmother died in the 50s from her breast cancer. My mother beat hers only to fall victim to melanoma. Which has been uncertainly linked to breast cancer. 40 has always held a special significance to me. Because my 40s were when the cancer would arrive.
Oh I hear you over there. I know. I've spoken about it at length with my therapist. I have 10 years worth of mammograms. 10 years worth of visits to the dermatologist. Just because I have the family history doesn't necessarily mean that I will end up with breast cancer as well. Things aren't that clear cut in the cancer world. My sister had some genetic work done and they didn't find the breast cancer mutation or any of the other genetic findings they were seeking, much to everyone's silent surprise. I am not my mother. Even looking like her, having the moles on my skin, her chromosomes in my cells, I am not her. Logically I understand that. Emotionally not so much.
I am going to have a fine day. I am taking the kids to Jellybean Jungle to jump in the germ infested ball pit and scramble on the big climbing structure and jump on the bouncy thing in the corner. We will have Japanese food for dinner if I am lucky and I will order tekka maki and other rolls with abandon and not feel guilty. Sunday we will get on the big plane and fly to Miami and get on the big boat and cruise for my birthday. We will take the kids swimming every day and swim in the big blue ocean, my favorite thing in the world.
Eventually I will get my turning 40 tattoo. I may still get my pink highlights as well. I will do my paperchasing, find a preschool for E., see Z. take her first steps this year. Wonder about my next child, sing to my current children, laugh with K. Travel. Swim. Dream.
I'll pack my little clock away and mostly I will ignore it. My days will be good, save for the very faint tick tock of the newest piece of me.
UPDATE:
I was just giving Z. her bath. In preparation for Jellybean Jungle. I know, it doesn't make any sense to me either. Because she will SURELY need a bath after the outing. Anyway. In the tub. She cries. Hard. Unusually. I glance at her ear. It is filled with bloody pus. We are headed to the doctor. More later.
UPDATE TO THE UPDATE:
She has an ear infection. It is a parenting first for K. and I—first ear infection. E. has managed to live 3 1/2 years without one, lucky boy. We have drops. The doctor said, "Does she vomit?" and I felt like saying, "Keep reading the chart, lady," but I just said, "She's a vomiter alright. Yep." So she said to hold off on the amoxicillin (which can cause stomach upset and does so in me) and try the drops solo for a few days. She does not have tubes. We are still wending our way through the hearing test/ear wax/typmanogram/ENT labyrinth. No tubes yet; possible tubes soon.
The doctor asked, "How is she about taking things by mouth?" and I thought boy we are hitting all of the highlights today, aren't we? But I just said, "I'd give it to her in her tube." And folks, that is the beauty of the NG tube, the one overwhelmingly positive thing. We can stick all of the medications and liquids and dissolved stuff down that tube that we want. I love it. Some days I just want to pump stuff down there just because I can. So if we do decide to go with the amoxicillin it is going down her tube. Motrin right now for pain? Add some water and down the tube. Flush with water. Smile big, because it's painless. Well, for me. Poor little peanut. She actually is ok unless you touch her ear, when all hell breaks loose. No ear touching and we should be fine.
Posted by grrlTravels at March 23, 2006 10:13 AMHappy Birthday, big sister. I was wondering if you were going to let the on-line world know the significance of today. Hope you have a WONDERFUL day. Wish that I could be there to celebrate with you. Jellybean Jungle sounds like my kind of place . . . as long as a nice hot soak in a tub isn't far behind.
Posted by: dana at March 23, 2006 10:34 AMA very happy birthday. Please don't worry about all that other genetic stuff. Being a breast cancer survivor diagnosed at the age of 31, I know it is just not worth it to worry! Get tested lots, but don't worry.
Have fun on that vacation, you deserve it!
Posted by: Perrin at March 23, 2006 10:36 AMHappy birthday. I hope this year is your very best yet- full of love, joy, happy surprises, and laughter.
Have a WONDERFUL time on your cruise- you SO deserve a break!
Posted by: chel at March 23, 2006 10:36 AMHappy birthday! It sounds like you have a wonderful day planned.
Posted by: Kim at March 23, 2006 10:36 AMHAPPY, Happy Birthday! And have a wonderful trip ~
Posted by: maggi at March 23, 2006 10:39 AMHappy 40th Birthday! Mine is in June....it's not affecting me...yet!!! The cruise sounds like heaven!!!! This is going to be a wonderful year for you, A!!!!!
Posted by: Stacey at March 23, 2006 10:41 AMHappy Birthday grrl! Sounds like you have a perfectly lovely day planned. Enjoy it. Sounds like you have a healthy attitude about your family history, and the impact to you.
Posted by: shelly at March 23, 2006 10:44 AMHappy birthday!!! It sounds like you have have a lot of great plans, enjoy them.
Posted by: WendyN at March 23, 2006 10:52 AMI'm going to break that clock. Send it to me please. That will do the trick.
Have a wonderful day!
xx
F
Sending birthday wishes your way! It sounds like you have the perfect bday plan. Have a wonderful day and enjoy your trip!
Posted by: melissa y at March 23, 2006 11:22 AMHappy birthday! Enjoy Jellybean Jungle!
Paperchasing??
Posted by: OmegaMom at March 23, 2006 11:25 AMHappy birthday, beloved friend! I agree with whoever said that 40 is the new 30. And I don't thnk it is said to be comforting...I really believe it. Of course, I also think 30 is the new 20. So we are all still spring chickens. Sending lots of good juju to you and yours today and for the whole year ahead.
Oh, and please keep us updated on Miss Z. I hope the doctor can fix her ear up asap.
Happy birthday....
Hey, did she get tubes? I was told that bloody pus was normal after ear tubes when they have an infection. Poor kiddo. I hope she feels better!
Posted by: Spacemom at March 23, 2006 12:16 PMHappy Birthday! May you have a happy and healthy new decade.
Posted by: erinberry at March 23, 2006 12:23 PMSo much to say. First, happy birthday!! Wishing you lots of good sushi this evening. Second, I can relate to the "cancer clock," in a way. My dad was about my age when he was diagnosed with ALS (neurological disorder). Everytime I stumble over my words or can't get my fingers to move properly, I get all worried. It is hard. When my dad was 35, I was just a little kid and I thought he seemed so old.
Now, somehow I missed that you are going on a cruise this Sunday! How fun. AND, does your cruise by any chance take you to Montego Bay next week? Does it? Does it? Because we will be there swimming in the pool and playing in the sand and frolicking in the waves from Monday-Thursday. That would be the MOST FUN EVER if our families met up in Jamaica. Just wishful thinking, I am sure. But still, wouldn't that be FUN?!
I don't know anything about pus in the ears. Hmmm. I hope it is nothing serious.
Posted by: Heather at March 23, 2006 12:29 PMHappy Birthday to you! Have fun on you b-day and your cruise next week.
Posted by: Janet at March 23, 2006 12:51 PMHappy Birthday! I hope Z feels better soon.
I have that cancer clock too. (I'm turning 40 in November.) I get screened every six months, but I can hear it ticking every day. Mostly it sucks, but in some ways I think it helps me live a better life. I appreciate what I have now, if that makes any sense. Still, I'd chuck it in a second if I could.
Posted by: cherylc at March 23, 2006 1:01 PMhappy birthday! it sounds like things have at least improved after a questionable start and a couple of winners at the doc's office. lordymercy, what kind of person asks a question about taking things by mouth when there's an NG tube present?? i mean, if Zee were 15 and deciding to try the plastic hair extensions and thought one might look good up her nose...sure! but this is clearly not a fashion statement. yet.
i gave myself a cancer clock for my birthday this year, too (33), because this was the age my mom was when she was diagnosed with her first brain tumor. so, i am right with you on the yes, you're not your mother but you can't help keep that fear in the back of your mind, no matter how irrational it may be.
Posted by: wix at March 23, 2006 1:02 PMHappy Birthday!!
I am 43 and I can tell you that 40 is the new 30. This has been my best decade yet! I hope it the same for you!
Big hug to little Z. Feel better soon little bug.
Happy Birthday! I turned 40 this year and find it very liberating. I have given myself permission to stop pleasing others. Also, poor little Z! Oh, poor baby girl! Also -- did you have genetic testing? I don't think you're crazy to be worried about BC. It runs in my family too and I'm constantly doing self-exams (sometimes in public -- hey, when the anxiety hits, I can't wait).
Posted by: victoria at March 23, 2006 1:54 PMHappy Birthday, dear Amy!
Kisses from the west coast...
Posted by: Anna H. at March 23, 2006 2:06 PMHave a great birthday! I've got you beat by two years.
Have you ever read Refuge, by Terry Tempest Williams? She is an amazing writer.
http://www.coyoteclan.com/books/refuge.html
Posted by: Viv at March 23, 2006 2:36 PMHappy Birthday!! I hope you have a great day and a wonderful trip.
Love,
Danielle
My grandfather died at age 76 of a massive heart attack. My dad watched his weight and ate nothing but pure and holy food and quit smoking and died at age 76 of a massive heart attack.
I'm sometimes glad to be adopted..
Happy birthday! You better have a fabulous time on that vacation, because there's no one that deserves it more. I'm sorry to hear Z's got an ear infection - hope it's better soon!
Posted by: Deanna at March 23, 2006 4:24 PMHappy Birthday! I'm sorry your day is being spent dealing with an ear infection. They are no fun at all (Ping's had a couple).
Happy birthday lovely lady! I've also heard that 40 is the new 30, and I'm happy to let you trailblaze for me and report back (18 months to go).
Posted by: Anna at March 23, 2006 5:49 PMHappy happy happy birthday!!
And poor Z- "bloody pus filled ear" does not sound like much fun AT ALL. Yikes. Gives me chills. SHe is such a trooper!
Posted by: tshapedgirl at March 23, 2006 9:34 PMHAPPY BIRTHDAY!
I only wish the day hadn't involved another doctor appointment! Hopefully Z's ears feel better very soon!
Enjoy the Big Red Boat and take the clock and drown it in the ocean!
Posted by: Colleen at March 23, 2006 10:16 PMRock and roll! Happy birthday!
xo to you and Z!
HaPpY Birthday to You!
Happy Birthday to You!
HappY Birthday Dear Grr-l,
Happy Birthday to Youuuu!
Hope it is a great day for you and your family. Eat lots of cake and enjoy the ocean! It sounds like lots of fun!
Happy Birthday!
-Heather G. :)
Many happy returns, Grrrrrrrrrl!
My mil (who is 63) told me, without a trace of irony, that 60 is the new 30, so I guess that makes you, like, 10, or something. Gee, aren't you young to have 2 children already!
Have a great vacation/bday extravaganza
paige, great admirer of many KLBs
Posted by: paige at March 24, 2006 12:41 PMHappy Late Birthday!
And sorry to hear about the ears of Miss Z! But I'm encouraged that you caught it before leaving for the BIG 40 trip! Hope she is feeling better.
Have fun!
Posted by: Julia at March 24, 2006 1:14 PMHappy Birthday! I had great hopes when I turned 40 that I would suddenly become sophisticated. It didn't happen but I keep hoping. Enjoy your birthday. Wishing Z a quick recovery.
Posted by: carosgram at March 24, 2006 1:39 PMI'm a little late to this party but I did want to welcome you to the 40's. You are going to love it. I hope that Z is feeling better soon. Happy Birthday!
Posted by: Sparky at March 24, 2006 2:03 PMhappy birthday!
and it's bad, I know, but I had to laugh at the tube coming in handy. hope her ear feels better.
Posted by: jess at March 24, 2006 6:09 PMHappy belated birthday! I am sorry little miss Z is sick, though. For all the trials of the tube, you're right... the big bonus is the ease in medication administration.
Speaking of BRCA, your post reminds me to finally stop ignoring the situation, get in and get tested. About the time our dossier went over, I found out we have the gene mutation in our family. Several aunts are positive. Our family history is long and frightening, for both breast and ovarian cancer. I went to an oncologist, even made the geneticist appointment, but never followed through to be tested. I'm 31. And I'm now a mother. I know it's time to just do it. So, thank you.
Posted by: Michelle at March 25, 2006 10:22 AMI send big hugs your way. I have heavy breast cancer in my family and my aunt was diagnosed at 35 and died at 40 and I'm 36. It's scary now, isn't it? Have a wonderful time on your cruise and know your not alone in this. Hope Z is feeling better soon.
Posted by: Katie J at March 25, 2006 2:25 PMHappy two days belated! As insane as it sounds (and my girlfriends think I am), I have always known 40s will be my decade. It's coming in 4 months...how is it already?
Posted by: Kikalee at March 25, 2006 9:10 PMOh, I'm just crushed that I missed this! I want to come to where you are and throw you a party! Or at least give you a really good gift.
I hope your day was FABULOUS.
Posted by: mrs figby at March 26, 2006 9:01 PMHappy Birthday! I'm right behind you, barreling toward 40 at an alarming speed...
Posted by: Mandy at March 27, 2006 5:40 PMhappy, happy birthday!
I was surprised by the number of chart-holding medical professionals who would forget that Curious Girl had a feeding tube. But you're right, that tube is great for giving meds. Also for preventing dehydration with stomach bugs.
Posted by: Susan at March 27, 2006 8:12 PMI'm late, but wanted you wish you a Happy 40th! I am right behind you, turning 40 in May. I like that, 40 is the new 30...I'll take that! I hope you had a good day.
Also, good job on being in control of your daughter's health care...we know our children better than anyone, keep up the good work!
Sincerely, Your Lurker Friend,
~Kim~
Dude, no pressure or anything, but . . . isn't it about time for another blog entry? I mean, I know you're busy, what with two tiny tykes and all, but I really want to know what's going on in your life! Hope the big 4-0 is treating you right so far. -V.
Posted by: victoria at March 31, 2006 11:55 AMI'm hoping that you had a great day- I'm late to the party as usual.
I'm also hoping that everything is ok, and that the ear infection didn't progress to anything worse. I'll be thinking about you guys.
Posted by: Jamie at April 1, 2006 12:08 AMHappy belated birthday!
Glad to hear things are going well with the NG tube- have you had to replace it many times yourselves yet? How does it go when you do?
Sorry to hear about the ear infection- geez, poor Z! If it's not one thing it's another. Hope she's better by now.
Posted by: Nancy at April 1, 2006 9:26 AM