grrlTravels

I agree with you about the over use of the word adoption. In a textbook I'm reading for an Ethics in the Information Age class, the author overuses "adopt" to mean that businesses are agreeing to use a new system or something similar on about every page throughout the entire book (well it seems like every page). I cringe every time I read it being used in a way that doesn't represent how I truly feel about adoption.

More than once in a conversation with someone I don't know very well (maybe we encounter them when we're out on a walk), people start throwing the word around as in "this stray dog adopted us" as if they're trying to relate and throw me a bone or something. It irks me, but I'm not really sure how to respond. I have a lot to learn and a long way to go so I usually keep my mouth shut. Hope this comment doesn't sound too trollish.
-H

I read Ji-in's blog, and Sume's, and a few others. I think I've posted in the "you go, girl!" manner a few times...blush.

I don't reserve the word "adopt" for just adoption of human beings. It's been around for quite a while, and is used in law all the time. As a former business writer, I can understand the "adopt-a-" things, rather than "sponsor-a-" things, because it has rhythm and alliteration, and is a catchy phrase. I have other hills I want to die on--things like my dotter deciding she's not beautiful because she doesn't have blonde, curly hair, or her saying that "brown skin is bad", or fading into the background because everyone makes a fuss about how "wonderful" we are to "take her in". But this is me, not others...

The "ultrasound picture" bothered me from the first time I saw it. The "Made in China" shirts bother me because it always made me feel like the child was being compared to a "thing", and the birthmother was being subtly dehumanized. In addition, there's a commentary on how much of our society is actually powered by things "made in China", because of the abundance of cheap labor and lack of labor laws with real teeth in China.

Ack. Lots of things to think about.

I was actually very uncomfortable with comparing our paperwork process to a pregnancy. I had a co-worker who loved the analogy, and every time she made a comment I cringed. I wanted to yell at her, "but I'm NOT pregnant!"

I couldn't be pregnant, and I had decided to do something different. It felt so 'false' to me to compare what I was doing to a pregnancy- I had grieved that loss and was trying to move on. It just felt uncomfortable to me for many reasons that I could not articulate at the time.

I won't allow folks to make the comparison the 2nd time around. I want them to understand that we are doing something very different- and equally as wonderful- in building our family.

Hope that makes some sense.

Guess I'll be among your other blogger friends on this one. Each family's pregnancy is their own. Being paper preggers and showing off the sonogram when we were DTC has allowed me to share this experience with friends and family in a way that saying "We're adopting" could never convey. The sonogram is not a political statement. It is to say I have a child coming to our family by way of China.

Absolutely, this part is all about the adoptive parent, in the same way a 9 mos pg women sports a baby on board t-shirt (tacky though it may be)--at that point it's all about her. For the last time in eighteen years I might add. It's in a spirit of light-hearted celebration of the child to come.

The first-mother will always have a place of respect in our home. And, I'll be forever thankful for her choice to give a different life to her child. I hope when our child is older she will understand intentions of words DO matter, and what I intend for he to know is that she knows we have been joyfully expecting her for a very long time.

Great post Amy. TTR had a good post as well. Thanks.

i don't mind seeing adopt used for things that i consider forever, like adopting a child to me is forever (and yes i know sometimes it's not but please) adopting a pet is forever but you sponser a highway or a zoo animal, it is not forever. i have never even heard of paper preggers before and can't even imagine using it but if people want to, their choice. i hate the term first mother, their birth mother is their birth mother i just prefer that term. and i think if you have a first mother then the next is your second mother which implies second choice. i don't think so.

I really enjoyed reading your thoughts. Well written. I am in complete agreement about all of the pregnancy terminology being a bit disturbing in reference to an adoption, but I must admit I had not even thought about the liberal use of the word adopt. Interesting point.
I read the same post on TTW...It really got me thinking as well.
Thank you...I am often hesitant to post about these topics when I stumble upon them on adult adoptee blogs. I am concerned that I will end up being unintentionaly insensative to someone or another.
As an adoptive mom I am alway looking for other folks perspectives.

I agree with you on all counts, from the "adopt-a" campaigns (hate hate hate them - very confusing, especially for CHILDREN who are just learning about the adoption process) to the adoption terminology thoughts on TTR.

Keep on listening and keep on learning.

AH! The post I've been ruminating on but haven't gotten around to. So thank you. We're (surprise, surprise) thinking along the same lines.

I was really distressed recently when my MIL gave LSP a stuffed Pegasus called a "Webk1nz". The little tag attached to it said "Go to our website so you can 'adopt' your pet". It was a million kinds of inappropriate and when I come up for air, this is something that will be addressed with the ILs. Never mind that LSP is too young for a "virtual" pet. I will post about this at some point when my skin stops crawling. I hate the casual use of "adopt" and won't use it myself.

I'm 100% with you on the KAD blogs. They have a lot to say, I have a lot to think about, but I don't think in the context of most of the posts that it's appropriate for me to comment. I remind myself that I'm ok with adopting my daughter and I don't need validation or excoriation from "them".

I'm sure you'll get lots of interesting comments. Back to read more later....

I am not familiar with the term "paper pregnancy." However, having had a relationship with C's birthmother during the pregnancy, I would never have used that terminology. She was most certainly the pregnant one and I was just one of the many people wanting to support her in every way possible.

You know, I think you're awesome (well, I realize I don't really know you...) but I feel differently than you about some of these things. I have no problem with the use of the word adopt in different settings. I use it all the time in working with boards who "adopt" language/policies, etc. I don't even have a problem with Adopt-a-Highway although I think it's stupid as hell. But the "paper pregnancy" terminology, ugh, I hate it. Perhaps it's because I chose adoption over pregnancy. To me, using that terminology implies that adoption is a second choice. It also, as Twice the Rice writes so eloquently, unintentionally obliterates the first chapter of these children's lives. Anyway, your posts always provide food for thought, thank you.

I think both adoptees and adoptive parents have their own touchy words. I have honestly not thought much about the "adopt-a-highway" signs, perhaps I should.

I do always rephrase the question/statement when asked if my 3 children are adopted, I rephrase it to say, yes, we adopted them. I don't want it to be an adjective that describes them, rather an action we undertook. Does that make sense?

Our first 2 children were born in Cambodia and our third in China. I quite honestly cannot stand the "made in China" t-shirts. I know they are supposed to be cute, but they are wayyy tacky in my opinion and should be banned. I gratefully don't know what you are talking about with the sonogram and prefer to keep my head in the sand on that one.

As for the paper pregnancy term, it does not bother me too much, although I can see the sensitivity of that term to some.

Good topic!

CC

Having never adopted a child or even looked into it, I am constantly surprised at all the unusual issues you face in the adoption community. As someone outside the community, I just want to say that most of us (I am sure there are some) would not dream of offending you with our (uninformed) choice of words. Like any other complicated issue, those around you just want to support you and we are often left feeling like we are walking on eggshells because we don't know what to say and one persons "hot button" word may be a very comforting term to another.

As for the word adoption, I think it is unrealistic to expect people to use that word with the reverence that it certainly requires in the life of adopting families. But I do think it would be worthwhile to develop a new term that has the very specific meaning for your circustances that would be reserved for the adoption of a child and not used casually for stretches of highway or business practices.

As the mother of twins, I can relate just a tiny bit to your discussion. People said ridiculous things to me both before and after I had them. And advertisers really get me going. Twin girls are used in ad campaigns all the time as the greatest sexual conquest. I hate that my daughters will be exposed to that kind of thinking when they are older...SO offensive and demeaning. Just like the adopt-a-highway campaign never gave me pause, I am sure most mothers of singletons (twin community term) never bat an eyelash at those beer commercials.

Yes, I get irritated from time to time, but in the end, I think the average person just doesn't know what to say because they can't relate, not because they are insensitive.

Different perspective from some but I never wanted to do pregnancy. So I wouldn't want a fake sonogram or paper pregnancy or anything else that made adoption look like something it isn't. It's adoption and it's wonderful in and of itself. It doesn't need to pretend to be something else. Also, there already is a woman who *was* pregnant with my future daughter; that role is not mine to play with. That's my personal view though. And this is a very personal subject.
I work in marketing for a charity that does an Adopt A... programme. Someone actually said to me today,"Your adoption is SO exciting! I mean...it's amazing...it's not like you're adopting one of these [animals]!". Why no..it isn't. Well spotted. But you mean I don't get a certificate and a cuddly toy? Sheesh. So I'm moving from being ambivalent but lobbying for change on that use of the word, to feeling far more strongly about it. We just keep learning don't we?

I pretty much agree with you on all points. I've never used the phrase "paper pregnancy" just because it's not the sort of thing I would say. I might say, "we're expecting," but I think beyond that it's pretty hard to draw analogies between the adoption process and pregnancy.

I don't especially care for "Adopt-a" programs either. On the other hand, I would bet that the use of the word "adopt" in the sense of taking on or agreeing to (the business or government sense) predates its use in reference to families, and I don't see that as a misuse of the word at all. You have to choose which battles are worth fighting.

And I think simple courtesy is always a good rule of thumb in the blogging world.

I feel like I am always clarifying these days, which means I am not writing all that clearly. In any case.

I suppose that the Adopt-a-highway campaigns fall under the following definition of adopt:
"To take on or assume". So by the letter of the law they are correct in their usage. However it's my belief that they are also many times playing on the idea of adopting as adding to one's family. So I still don't like them. (The adopt-a-highway sticks in my crawl the worst because it is so dumb and when I am driving along noticing the litter, pointless.)

I have not decided that it is to be my life's goal to eradicate the adopt-a-whatever campaigns. I know they are just words, taking on the media types of this world sounds too tiring, and yes, it's not all that important in the grand scheme of things. But it does happen to have some importance in my little corner of the world.

No need to clarify, you're absolutely right -- they are totally playing on the idea of adopting as adding to one's family. So I don't let them off the hook. And I think somebody needs to fight this battle. Just not me. It's all I can do some days to keep the terminology straight myself.

I thought you were very clear. Sensitivity to language as a writer is unique, but the ability to have negative feelings about word usage in true for most of us I think. My dream is that we would move past our inability to speak to one another about those feelings. Currently, it feels as if folks move guickly to offense and just as quickly to defensiveness. Both of those feelings are understandable but not very productive. I would like to see us move ahead to the time when we would be at ease enough with one another to say 'Ouch, that hurt my feelings.' or I felt 'x' when you said that. Then the other would instead of huffing say, 'I am sorry that what I said made you feel badly and thanks for letting me know.' Pretty much pie in the sky, but I think it is the only way we will ever develop real community.

Comments can seem and also be so venomous. Sometimes just the lack of facial expression or tone of voice make words printed less clear. And, of course, there are people who like to be stealth bombers and hide while they make attacks.

I think anyone who reads your posts regularly is under no illusions that you are careless with words or careless about the feelings of other people or of your family. You let yourself be amazingly and courageously transparent. I did track back and read a lot of the linked posts. It helps so much when individuals are willing to speak the truth and let all of us know how we may be hurting or diminishing the people around us. Also when someone like yourself is so open to hear their words. I am sure that when your Z begins to have questions and confused feelings you will not make her feel like she needs to hide anything from you or protect you. I admire that.

Hi,

I posted on Ji-in's entry about this, but I don't think I was able to get my point across the way I wanted. You made the same point in your post just now. That made me feel a bit better. My point was about how the term paper pregnancy is used to explain the process to people who aren't in the adoption world. I've used it and not thought about the negative connotation. It was reading Ji-in's point of view that made me realize how it could be interpreted. That's just one of the values of these discussions.