grrlTravels

Hi,
I thought this was a really interesting post because I think about these same things all the time. I have two boys ages 3 1/2 and 19 months. I work outside the home Tue, Wed, Thur and do not have MY family in town (in-laws are but not helpful) When I went back to work the daycare I enrolled in only accepted full-time children because of the high demand to get in (it's an AWESOME child care centre) so I reluctantly enrolled the kids five days a week, intending to only bring them the three days that I was working. However, I soon started scheduling appointments and lunch dates with friends (can you imagine- oh the guilt) on Mondays and Fridays and started bringing the kids 5 days a week to school. Now don't get me wrong- I absolutely adore spending time with my kids because when I am with them- I am with them down on the carpet playing, making play-doh, baking with them, parks, swimming - you get the picture. And you know what- I am really happy!! I get time to myself mondays/fridays and I am a better mother because of it. I used to feel guilty but I refuse to anymore because I realize it's essential for me to feel happy. And a happy mom has happy children. In my opinion- you have to have your needs met in order to meet your children's needs. My own mother never did this and she is still struggling with her identity/hobbies and favourite past times 12 years after all her kids have left home.
Anyway, that's my little life-
Linda

I too think about this quite a bit. We are a family of three with a 4 1/2 year old and leaving for China next Thurs. for number 2. I worked up until we brought our daughter home and now stay at home. And it is a tricky balancing act. Husband who travels some and no family in town. Good friends but I don't think I would leave a baby with friends very long.
I find myself so much happier when I can get a bit of me time. Do some sewing or crafting or just go to the grocery ALONE once in a while. I plan to beg steal and plead to bring a neighbor teenage girl in when the baby comes home. Just for 1 day a week after school for a couple of hours. Now all I have to do is find the right person for this...but I know too much of Mommyville with no breaks is just not good for our family. Good luck in finding your balance. Write about it when you do, I'd love to hear good tips.

I struggle with these same questions ALL THE TIME. I'm so glad you posted about this.

My girls are 3 1/2 and 16 months. I find myself getting really bored sometimes, then chastise myself for not enjoying these days. When I do have something I'm involved in, I have trouble balancing that, the house, the kids. Sometimes piles of laundry and the kitchen that can't stay clean for more than 10 minutes make me cry, not because it's too much work, but because it's not fulfilling work.

Recently, my husband's job became threatened. I'm now in very real danger of losing my SAHM status and suddenly I'm cherishing it like I never have before. I still get crabby, shake tiny fingers from my pant legs in annoyance, talk on the phone/blog/daydream when I should be parenting, but it's made me realize that my choice is the right one for me.

I think that we do need to indulge and ourselves this time, whether you work away from the home or stay home, that we need to put aside the small things and pay attention to our growing families. But I also think we need to take care of ourselves, mentally and emotionally, and I think it's perfectly appropriate to take part of every day to do that. It's all about balance. When you find it, let me know where you got it!

1. How many children do you have?* How old are they?

1 kid, age 10 chronologically. Not emotionally.

2. Do you spend a reasonable amount of time per week (or daily) on hobbies or interests? How much time?

No, I don't. I'd say non-computer time is only a few hour a week. I spend a lot of time on the computer while she is doing schoolwork.

3. Do you spend time working on things that interest you while the kids are awake? How much time?

Not much. I like to sew but Bug drives me crazy when I'm sewing with trying to get involved. I like to bake, but she wants to do everything too and it becomes a big mess. So I try to do things with her, but I also put her to bed by 9 at the latest. That gives a few hours for me, except when Geo is here, because then that is US time, and not ME time.

I'd like to have more hobbies, but I don't know what.

J and I have discussed this and I think once we get settled, we are going to look into putting LSP in daycare 2-3 times a week for a few hours at a stretch. She needs socializing, I don't think I can jump from full time working girl to full time SAHM so this is what we have come up with. I'll let you know if it works. Because Z's needs are different, I don't think a day care scenario would work for her, but what about for Sweet E? (Hey - Sweet-E - I like it). But perhaps another in-home care provider a few mornings per week. We broke LSP in with the babysitter by having me around most of the time in the very beginning.

I would love very much to have time to do some some quilting. I dream all of the time about the fabric I want to buy, but it doesn't ever seem to happen. At this age (21 months) and with a girl who has very, very busy hands, I know I can't really get into anything with scissors and needles. I also just wish I had more time to read for fun, but it is so, so hard.

Right now I am home 1 full day a week with N and work the other four days. Because of the nature of my profession, there really is no time off. I usually end up having to work through any naps that happen, and work after bedtime too. I'm worn out.

I do spend most of N's waking time (when I am home with her) doing some kind of engaged activity, although I try to sneak in some internet time when I can. That is mostly because N demands that I focus on her--somehow her daddy's days are very different and he does have some free moments when he is with her. He can kind of do his own thing for a bit and she stays busy with her play kitchen for long stretches of time.

I'm glad you blogged about this. It's on my mind often. I often feel like I am missing out, or doing LT a disservice if I am not engaged with her during her waking hours.

We have one daughter- LT- who is 17-months old. We have no family in town, just close friends. But like Perrin, I wouldn't leave her with friends for long.

I am a full-time SAHM. I planned to go back to work after she came home, but LT had other plans for me. I'm grateful now.

I'm reading replies with great interest. I'd like more "me" time in my life and am considering some freelance work...but not until LT is ready.

This is why only 4 dolls were made this entire summer. I don't know how people do it. Something has to give somewhere. It's the "somewhere" that you need to figure out what doesn't bother you. My somewhere tends to be any or all of laundry, bathroom cleaning, washing dishes.

Once Tootie stopped napping I thought I'd never get anything done. But then we discovered the 7pm/sometimes 6:45pm bedtime. I usually go to bed @ midnight. That's 5 hours. I'm also trying to get better at staying off of the computer which is more of a discipline than I realized.

I didn't answer your questions.
One child. 3.5 years.

@25 hours a week crafting, give or take depending on the week.

When Toots is awake I do very little crafty stuff. I save chores to do while she is awake and I have her help. It takes 2x as long but we're doing something together and she loves it. Plus I don't want to be doing chores when I have time to myself. We also play several violent rounds of Hungry Hungry Hippo, Hi Ho Cherry-O, and many a puzzle (albeit not so violent the puzzle thing).

I'm with you on this, girl. It is HARD. I feel like I can't do something like (sew) unless my house is clean. But I feel like I'm always trying to clean. I've been able to squeeze in making stuff while I'm at my parent's house...because there is someone else to occupy her. Right now, Zorba wants someone's eyes on her at all times. She wants to be doing something with someone. I really feel like I need to create something, whether it is through photography, knitting, or sewing. And when I'm not doing that, I don't feel good.

I'm determined to keep up with what I've been able to do here (craftwise) when I get home.

What do you want do? What kind of creative endeavor are you yearning to do? I remember you were going to do a craft blog. Tell us more!

I am constantly struggling with this too, let me tell ya. No great advice here.

I just wanted to throw out a nice word for preschool for E. I don't think you should necessarily use the potty-training issue as the reason he couldn't go. Many schools are more flexible about this these days, and sometimes a little peer modeling does wonders for potty training the "older" diaper wearer! He also might really enjoy having a community of friends, away from baby sister, if only for a few mornings/week. I don't know E well enough to know what his response to being without you would be, but he might really enjoy it and you'd have some time.

Just throwing it out there!

Swimming lessons have turned out to be a great thing. In the evening after a quick supper, the whole family goes to the gym. The oldest has a swimming lesson and the youngest actually sits quietly, watching all the swimmers.

I didn't expect to enjoy it, but Beloved and I actually have about 20 minutes just to catch up while we wait beside the pool.

It's not creative time, but it is refreshing just to be able to sit for a while.

I also wanted to say, one child age three and 1/2. Can NOT do squat while she's awake, and am often exhausted when she sleeps.

But, really, I just need to spend less time on this here laptop. That would make a big difference.

Ok, usually a lurker, but I HAD to respond to this one. My kids are 5 and 3 and I really feel that going from one to two was harder than I thought. I do spend a lot of time on the computer(my link to the outside world!!) but a lot of it is on the laptop on the floor while playing with them. I also have a babysitter a few hours a week,but mostly use that time to clean the house or grocery shop. I do try and go to a scrapbook crop night every other week...I need to do things for myself!

My kids are 5, 3, and 19 months. I spend some time on hobbies/interests during the week, but mostly when they are asleep. I don't regularly work on my interests when the kids are awake, but that is because I like sewing and card-making/scrapbooking. All of these involve sharp objects!

My husband has been very good about making sure I have my "night off" once a week. Usually, I have to leave the house for this, which can be a bummer sometimes, but I enjoy the time nonetheless. I have a standing date with some friends for scrapbooking once each month. I rarely miss that.

One thing I would love to do is arrange a weekly "me" day during the week or start taking a class. But these would require finding a regular sitter. And with homeschooling about to start for my oldest, it may not even be possible.

I think you are in a hard spot because you have so many extra demands on your time with Z right now, as well as not leaving her with a sitter.

In many ways I think that the difficulty I have in pursuing my interests is a season that will pass very soon.

1. How many children do you have?* How old are they?

2 daughters, 4 years and 2 years old.

2. Do you spend a reasonable amount of time per week (or daily) on hobbies or interests? How much time?
I don't think so. I work 4 days a week. I take Mondays to be home with the kids. I don't get the time to do ME things

3. Do you spend time working on things that interest you while the kids are awake? How much time?
Yes and no. I like to bake, but the girls always want to help. I've learned to sacrifice my perfection in baking by letting the girls help. I do try to wait until the kids go to sleep, but last night, that was, what, 10:30? And they are up at 6:30?

I find the balance between Spacemom the person and Spacemom the mom is hard. When Dr. J is in town, I will sometimes go out with a friend just to get me time.

When the kiddos are both in school, I am planning to continue with my 4 day schedule and take that last day for ME. I want to get back to my paintings. I miss painting..

I guess it is something we all struggle with. That delicate balance that keeps us happy while also nuturing the family

We have a 2 1/2 year old, Cheyenne who we adopted from China. I am a free lance web designer who works from home. Chey goes to daycare twice a week at my neighbors licensed home across the street. I literally walk her over in my bathrobe. Luckily for me my job is also my creative outlet - so I feel like I'm bringing home a paycheck, yet it's also a hobby. Creating web sites & graphics has given me the creative outlet I've always craved! Other than that me time is short to come by these days!!

You don't even want to know. I have four kids and a job. And I have to keep the house clean for the sake of my sanity. When we went from one child to two, my creativity time went out the window. When we jumped from two to four, I lost any personal time I might have had left, plus I didn't really have enough time for the kids. Now I'm jettisoning the job and hoping everything becomes more balanced. But the kids will be in school, so it's different from your situation.

I second what Figlet and Brooklyn Mama said. Preschool is a good thing. Kids enjoy it. It's good for their socialization, learning, and toilet training. And it's good for moms too.

This has been on my mind since we got home two months ago with Em. (She's 15m old and our first child.) It's been tricky finding a balance between trying to be engaging and fun with her and trying to remain sane by fitting in something for myself each day/week. I keep thinking, how much of the day should be engaging, interactive fun? all of it? Does she need some time just to play on her own? I don't know the answers.

I've been feeling so guilty when people ask "Don't you just LOVE staying at home?" and when I'm being honest say, "Well yeah, but..." We waited so long to be parents and now I'm saying, "Hey what about me?" But like others have said here, I'm a better mom/person when I have just a few hours to myself each week.

Can't wait to see others ideas/solutions since I haven't offered any. I agree with Linda, I don't want to end up like my mother who gave everything of herself to us, her kids, and still doesn't know who she is 10 years after we've moved out.

Good post - it's so difficult to find the right balance. My kids are older and in school full-time - ages 12, almost 9, almost 7, and baby will be home from China hopefully by Christmas. I work full-time from home so this summer has been challenging and I'm ridden with guilt because my boys have sat in front of the TV watching cartoons while I work. I do go scrapbooking once a month - except I couldn't swing it this summer - and I'm much happier after scrapbooking. I try to work on it at home too, but just in bits and pieces as time allows...depends on what work has to be finished or what work I can leave until the next day. I'm a big-time procrastinator =) I remember when my kids were little how hard it was to get anything done. Since then I've come across FlyLady - Flylady.net - I wish I had found her way back then. I now have my sanity back...most days...

I think(worry) a lot about this balancing act we call 'Motherhood', too. Thank you for bringing it up.

First, in answer to your questions:

1. How many children do you have?* How old are they?

Twin daughters, 21 months, adopted from China on August 23rd of last year.

2. Do you spend a reasonable amount of time per week (or daily) on hobbies or interests? How much time?

I guess the real question is how much is 'reasonable', isn't it. I do try to knit / read email / catch up on people's blogs during the two or three hours between when the girls go to bed and when I go to bed, but actually only happens three or four times a week, certainly not every night as it's also about the only time my husband and I actually get to carry on a conversation.

3. Do you spend time working on things that interest you while the kids are awake? How much time?

Not really. The girls are still young enough to really require hands-on parenting, as in 'Honey, please don't try to jump off of that. You might kill yourself.' Sigh. And if I try to knit with them in the room they are also even more interested in Mommy's Big Ball of String than the cats are. Which is saying a lot.

The immediate loss of personal freedom that hit me when we got home with the girls has been a challenge for me, to say the least. My husband travels about 30% - 50% of the time, which leaves me as Solo Mommy a good deal of the time. I don't have any family around here and my husband's family are all in Germany.

At this point I'm still going to work 5 days/week as well, though that will drop down to 3 next month which gives me a chance to be an adult for a few hours a week and get paid for it, but it also means that when I'm not at work and the girls aren't in school I really want to focus on them as much as possible. I do have the equivalent of one day where they're in school and I'm not at work. Those are the 8 hours a week that I grocery shop, get my hair cut, take the critters to the vet, run errands, etc..

The only (unsolicited) advice I guess I can offer is: outsource whatever you can financially and emotionally afford. There is no rule that says that you have to do it all yourself. Or if there is, it's stupid rule and should be ignored. Hire someone to do the major housecleaning, get meals from Dream Dinners or meal delivery service or Trader Joes's, test out part-time pre-school for Sweet E, swap childcare with another mom for a few hours a week, whatever you think would make your life easier to manage and help you stay sane.

Best of luck, we're all here pulling for you!

k

I have a 3.5 year old and a 15 month old. No one goes to day care and I do not have a sitter. I definitely work during nap time but also work when my kids are awake. I am averaging about 20-25 hours a week (more last week because I am freaking out about the upcoming exhibition). My girls have toys in my work space. They also draw while I work. We sing songs while I paint. They snack while I work. Sometimes when I am really under the gun I let the 3.5 year old watch a video on the computer and we talk about it --while I work. O also takes them sometimes in the afternoon or the weekend if I am really overwhelmed.

The big thing I have to say here is that my house is never clean. I try. Really I do. When forced to choose between my work and my kids and the house cleaning, the house always loses. I would rather spend money on a housekeeper than a sitter most days. I don't though. It is getting harder and I am really struggling with my current exhibition because I am exhausted. It isn't easy painting with kiddie tunes spinning in the CD player and blocks underfoot or a toddler tugging at my pants leg begging for a snack. I manage though.

Once my show is up and I catch up on my sleep and house cleaning, I will slow down a bit. My kids are the most important thing and I suppose I will manage to find creative outlets that work for all of us. I have one more year before I am planning to put my oldest in school and that year may be spent making construction paper collages and paper mache art rather than gallery quality art but I am ok with that. My work will be done when the girls are asleep or when I ask for help so I can have some me time.

The big down side for me is that I have no social life because I am usually too embarrassed to have anyone over because there are piles of dirty dishes and laundry to be done and the bed is never made and the living room rug needs vacuuming...

Maybe I should reconsider the cleaning service. Hmm. Of course, I can only afford it if I sell some work and the only way I can make the work is if I have time to make it which I don't really without the cleaning service. Oy. It's a visious circle, isn't it?

I have no advice for you, but a comment...I think you are already doing something creative. You are telling us a story in a way that is honest, moving, and often hysterical. Thank you!

I am a grandmother but I still remember what it was like when my kids were small. I was a single parent with a 4 1/2 year old and a 1 year old. Frankly I was bored to death. And my house was a mess all the time. I did go to work when the youngest was 2 and I felt comfortable putting her in daycare. My house was still a mess all the time. I was ashamed how my house looked but too exhausted both physically and emotionally to do anything about it. I met a woman, Helen, whose house was in worse condition than mine. She had 3 kids. She was the warmest most gracious woman I have ever known. She had people over all the time and served tea. Sometimes we would have to help wash her dishes in order to find clean cups to drink out of but it never seemed to bother her and frankly we never stopped wanting to go to her house. We would sit together for hours and soak in the companionship. Sometimes her house would get so bad that some of us would go over to at least get the food off the floor and countertops and do up dishes. Yes, we talked about how overwhelmed she was but we all wanted to be like her. She always saw the best in everyone and was always welcoming. She knew what was important and what wasn't. People were important and housework was way down on her list of "to do's". She never turned down help from any of us and that made us feel important to her. She is still my role model of what a woman should be and do.

Wow, lot's of comments already. I won't bore you too much, but will briefly answer your questions.

How many children do you have?* How old are they?

I have five children. DSs 10, 7, 4, and 10 months and DD 5.

We are in the process to adopt two more girls from Africa.

Do you spend a reasonable amount of time per week (or daily) on hobbies or interests? How much time?

Yes I do! I used to lots of creative things. I used to draw, scrapbook, and write. Now I have learned that I can have a hobby while I'm online. I started out by learning a simple photo editing program and now have purchased Adobe Photoshop CS2. I make signatures ( http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v112/modernmother/ pword hydefam) and I now have an internet business making announcements ( http://www.announcementdesigns.com ) I spend at least an hour a day(not much time for blog reading anymore) or more. I homeschool my kids so I spend the mornings doing that and the afternoons doing this. :-)

Do you spend time working on things that interest you while the kids are awake? How much time? You bet! My 10 ds loves watching me work. I talk about how what I'm doing is study and how I learn new things every day. They are old enough to amuse themselves without me being there though...when they were little it was harder but I still did it. When my oldest two were 3 and 1 I sewed cloth diapers. :-) That's how my then 3yo learned to swear. *blush* I don't do that anymore!