March 17, 2008
Friendly is as friendly does
We have only seen glimpses of R.'s personality so far of course. People kindly ask about the adjusting, how the kids are doing, and I am loathe to lie about it so I say it is going slowly and smile. The smile is for effect. There isn't much to smile about when your children dislike each other rather intensely and the competition for affection and attention reaches a boiling point daily.
R. competes with the other two fast and furiously. He is by turns charming and frustrated, happy and screaming. He is clearly in survival mode. Who can blame him? Thing is, life with someone in survival mode isn't much fun. Survival mode necessitates extremes of behavior. Extremes of behavior can be annoying.
So perhaps it isn't all that surprising that I was looking forward to our visit with our fabulous International Adoption doctor. I had a few concerns I wanted to talk about, and anyway it's just nice to talk to someone who gets it. R. has some of those behaviors which might not seem all that troublesome at first. I was feeling confused about them.
The most noticeable and problematic behavior happens when we eat out. R. loves to eat and restaurants make him happy. But while we are eating he looks at everyone but us. Anyone he can make eye contact with, he does. And he is charming. Very charming. He coos at the waitresses. He grins at the other patrons. He flirts, babbles, smirks. He is charismatic. To everyone. But us.
He will not look at us. At all. We talk to him. We offer him food. We make jokes. We offer him toys. We are firm. We offer him napkins. He bats his eyes at the waitresses.
So I talk about it with the doctor and the OT, the inappropriate friendliness, and they ask questions and take it all very seriously. They recommend that we don't eat out. In fact they recommend that we avoid all opportunities for him to practice his irresistibility. Avoid restaurants. Avoid crowds. Avoid crowded waiting rooms. Always try to keep his attention on us by limiting his interactions with others.
Suddenly I am more worried. And a tad overwhelmed. No restaurants. No crowds.
Of course the 'no restaurants' for me is like sticking a bulldozer in my eye. Two days later we go to a restaurant. It is more of a test to see how bad things really are. We have spent two days realizing that he does not make eye contact with us in normal, appropriate ways even at home. At the restaurant we put him in the middle and we really, really try to engage him and limit his interactions. And he is charming. He coos, he grins, he flirts, babbles, smirks. He is charismatic. To everyone but us. It is eye-opening.
I am not panicking. It is early days yet. But I am sobered. I know we have something we need to address. And address it we will. Hand me the folder of take-out menus. I'm handling dinner tonight.
Love this pic of your boys. Love it. Jeez, they are cute. I'm amazed you got the two of them to look at the camera and smile at the same time. I'm wondering what you will do for your Xmas cards this year now. Don't ask me why. I wish we lived closer as I would jump at the chance of bringing take out to you every day. Huge hugs, girly.
Posted by: Shelba at March 17, 2008 10:26 PMWhat adorable boys! Are you trying the standard "regress to babyhood" stuff? (I'm sure you are--"Go teach your grandma to suck eggs, OmegaMom!" ;-) ) Rocking, bottlefeeding, peek-a-boo...mirror tricks...lotion, massage...baby-wearing...ack. All of these are good, but probably difficult with other kiddos demanding attention too.
I'd join Shelba in bringing take out if I were around there!
Posted by: OmegaMom at March 17, 2008 10:41 PMAs we wait for our referral, I am so grateful to be learning from so many wise women who have gone before us. Thank you for your candor.
Posted by: walternatives at March 17, 2008 11:39 PMI have one bio child, a girl. I often thought that they don't really "do" anything that first year, and that adopting an "older" child between 1-2 would not really be a problem. They're still such unwritten slates, they'd blend right in! Not even notice!
Reading blogs taught me that's pretty foolish.
He is very beautiful. And you've coped with a lot, you'll cope with this, too, and he'll turn out fine. But yeah, no restaurants sounds smart at this point.
Try not to worry too much, I think this pattern is just one of the paths adopted toddlers can follow during the initial adjustment and attachment phase. My daughter (adopted at 13m) was very much like this. In our travel group (babies between 12-20m), there were several other babies who were similarly "indiscriminant", while others showed an immediate "clinging" pattern instead. They had spent time in the SWI and then in foster care for about 6months. One year later, all of our babies seemed similar in attachment and doing well. I did use many of strategies suggested for promoting attachment (although I didnt avoid going out). There was a gradual improvement in attachment behavior for about 6 months and then things really took off. Hang in there... Jess
Posted by: Jess at March 18, 2008 11:36 AMKnowledge is power...and thank God for take-out!!!
Posted by: Judy at March 19, 2008 1:46 PMI guess I would take this pretty seriously. There are many adoptive parents who intentionally limit interactions between a newly adopted child and other adults at first. Some don't let anyone but mom hold, feed, dress or otherwise care for the newly adopted child. The reason? Forming an appropriate attachment.
The docs and therapists were concerned because it's so common for adopted kids to have a hard time with attachment. I'd follow the advice you were given, personally. Attachment issues are hard to fix -- especially as children grow older.
This all sounds very stressful in general. You've taken on a lot. I can empathize with little E's stress and resentment. This has been a far more difficult adjustment than most kids have to deal with when welcoming siblings.
Posted by: Carrie Anne at March 19, 2008 11:12 PMhappy birthday friend.
Posted by: mortimersmom at March 23, 2008 5:08 PM