I cried at feeding therapy today.
I blame it at least partially on the sleep deprivation.
But I know that partly I am sad because I feel pressure from some people to make progress and begin weaning Z. off the overnight feeds and she isn't making progress and somehow I am missing something and I'm not advocating for her properly because we haven't found the person who is going to help us through this yet and I have no earthly idea where that person might be. Somehow there is this expectation that things will be getting better but they aren't and I don't know how to make that different and I don't have anyone telling me that it's ok that she is where she is even though I know it's ok because she is where she is and that must be ok. I keep waiting for her to mature cognitively to the point where I can begin to reason with her and talk things out and we can begin to do exercises or something constructive but she isn't getting there and when I sit and really think about it I know we aren't even close to that point and we might never reach it, but if we aren't close to that point then I don't see a next step and if there isn't a next step then what are we to do? What?
You can tell me it's just the re-entry and the sleep and the adjusting and the fact that mostly everyone here is unhappy right now, but sometimes clarity comes when your guard is down and you are forced to look at things in a different way. That's how it feels right now.
Z. cried too. Over mushy rice in her mouth. She threw a little fit and cried a whole lot and things generally went downhill. She must have had something in her eye too.
You are such an awesome mom. Sending you all my support and best wishes
Would it be really childish of me to say this isn't "fair"? Well I don't care, it just isn't. I hope today brings you both something to smile about.
Posted by: Jo at March 5, 2008 4:05 AMWho are these "some people?" Because I feel like kicking them in the shins. I'm sorry you're feeling sad, and your kids are lucky to have you for a mom. (But not in a ladybuggy kind of way.)
Posted by: Courtney at March 5, 2008 4:17 AMOh dear. I am so sorry. I hope you all slept better last night and that things looks better to you today.
ox
Posted by: Tracie at March 5, 2008 8:08 AMSigh. I'm so sorry. I know it's hard. I'm with Jo saying that it's not fair. Hugs coming towards you all.
Posted by: Jen at March 5, 2008 8:47 AMI hate it when I get something in my eye...
I have no words, so I hope for you.
Posted by: Judy at March 5, 2008 12:16 PMOh those first few weeks are so hard when you come home. I remember them well, the crying while walking home from preschool for no reason, the flying off the handle when the baby pooped. Ack...and of course we weren't dealing with extra challenges like you. hang in there, it will all seem easier when things even out a bit and everyone is sleeping more. Our thoughts are with you.
Posted by: Perrin at March 5, 2008 1:00 PMOh, I'm sorry. I bet it all does seem too much right now. I do think reentry and family shuffling and sleep deprivation is probably playing a huge part. Hang in there.
Posted by: Amyesq at March 5, 2008 2:24 PMRe-entry is a bitch. The next step, having BTDT, might be to have an IEP with your school district. She would qualify for a lot of services including preschool programs such as SLRDP, etc. and you might find that "person" or personnel there.
Posted by: Marla at March 5, 2008 2:33 PMZ had every right to cry over mushy rice. Rice is one of the single most advanced things to eat. It's mixed texture, confusing to the mouth since it scatters and difficult to control since it's in a bunch of tiny pieces. Plus, it's a sensory nightmare.
What kind of feeding therapist is feeding her rice???
I'm sorry for both of you. It will get better.
Posted by: kristi at March 5, 2008 4:01 PMI know exactly how you are feeling.
My daughter has been home with us for 1.5 years and has feeding issues.She was never given solid foods during her first 2 years in China. When we got her, all she would take was formula with cereal out of a bottle. Took a long time for her to accept anything into her mouth (even mushy / watery cereal out of a spoon.)
We have worked with nutritionists, psychologists, occupational therapists since the 2nd day we were home.
While she has come a long way, she still does not chew. I too am waiting for someone to come along and help. Do not know who that will be / when it will happen, but I am hopeful...Have to be...
Hang tough.
Posted by: Claudia at March 6, 2008 12:04 PMI'm sorry.
Posted by: Sister Carrie at March 7, 2008 3:31 PM