grrlTravels

Z. is Z. is Z.

"Mommy, may I fly earth to the moon?" Z. asks me 23 times each day. "Yes," I say, "if you want it badly enough, anything is possible." But I don't really believe it, not when it comes to Z., and perhaps not ever. I certainly don't know what is possible for her, and every time I say yes I feel a little pang of guilt over the possibility that I'm lying. I've been struggling over my Z. update, mostly because I've been struggling over my mothering with her too. She is still such an enigma to me, still so many unknowns, still so many mountains to climb beside her. When I say to K.,"What do you think is going to happen with Z.?" he gives me the same answer as always: "I think Z. is going to live with us forever." We've long since made our peace with it, but now when he answers me I feel a huge sadness for Z. We are fine with her living with us forever, but what about her? Is that what she would really want? Of course the answer to that question is no. Of course she will not want to live with us forever. Of course she will want her own life.

The thing is, I'm not a pusher. I'm a watcher, a patient waiter, and a little lazy to boot. I like to give my kids time, time to grow, time to develop, time to get ready for things. And because I'm not a pusher Z. is still sleeping in a crib, still in diapers, and still not eating. Oh, I don't take all of the responsibility for those things; Z. is moving slowly, showing us growth and pockets of resistance, showing us new skills and old patterns of retreat. But some of the responsibility is mine, and lately I've been doing a lot of mental gymnastics trying to determine how much harder I should push and when following my instincts is still appropriate.

My Z. is a happy 5-year-old, not happy-go-lucky, but happy most of the time. She is giggly on occasion, likes school, is infatuated with Dora, begs to go to the playground, loves to be read to, wants to snuggle. My Z. cannot write a single letter, cannot stand the sensation of food in her mouth, cannot hop on one leg, cannot copy a pattern, is missing a ton of consonants. She is a fascinating and daunting combination of success and frustration, bravery and fear, courage and denial. "Mommy, may I take a picture of moon?" she asks. "Of course," I say. She holds up a book as if taking a picture, then puts the book in her lap and looks at it. "It's blurry," she tells me. "Well, it's pretty hard to take pictures in the dark. They are blurry a lot. Keep trying,' I say.

Keep trying, girl, keep trying. I'll keep trying right alongside you.

goodie goodie

Grace (commenter #17) was selected by the random number generator as the winner of the January give-away. I've got some goodies all ready to send out to her. Yay Grace! The next give-away is coming up soon. I'm considering a V-day theme because even though I hate made up Hallmark holidays I love red and hearts. And red hearts.

p.s.

It's been encouraging to read your resolutions. I feel all trembly and excited to get working on everything. Cool. Thanks so much for sharing.

Yesterday in my haste to post I forgot to mention the Live Strong site. When I was looking for a food tracker/calorie counter for my iPhone I happened upon the Live Strong app. It has a fabulous database that I have stumped less than 5 times in the past 6 months or so. If you do manage to stump it and you have access to the nutritional panel of the item you can submit it. And the site itself is chock full of good information and lots of encouragement.

To track calories or your food intake create a login and then click on "Daily Plate". [The iPhone app is downloadable from the home page.] I personally find the iPhone app slightly easier to use and more attractive than the Web site. But the Web site gives you lots of additional information.

When you search for food, be specific. Don't search for "bread". Search instead for "Panera French bread" or "7 grain bread". Putting in the brand name often helps but sometimes doesn't. If you don't get any results, reflect on your search terms and try try again. When you exercise you can log that too, and if you're counting calories the exercise buys you extra! (Not that I would know anything about exercising solely to get more calories for the day...)

If you have a site or app that you like, let me know. Have a great weekend. Next week I'll be back with a new long-term project and an update on Z.

resolution schmesolution

491 days ago (roughly) I started exercising. I exercised for 10 minutes. T. E. N. I climbed on the elliptical machine in our lodge room, huffed and puffed for 10 minutes (rather pathetically I might add), and climbed back off. I was completely alone and it was good and humiliating at the same time. And then I didn't exercise for 7 days. Didn't feel up to it at all. Seven whole days of moping around the house feeling tired and glancing angrily at the elliptical machine. Finally I got back on the machine the following week and I exercised for 10 minutes. Yep. Ten again. Good again. Humiliating again.

I wasn't motivated by a new year. Nope. I was motivated by my very first cancer scare, my children, and the belief that it was time to become the person I wanted to be. [You can think of it as a version of the 40-year-old mini-mid-life crisis if you'd like. I won't be offended.] I clung to those things during those first days and weeks when I didn't want to do it, when I was still tired and sore and miserable, when it all felt so pointless.

I'm 30 pounds lighter (some days, and other days I'm not); I can run 8 miles for the first time in my life; I can swim 1/2 mile (on a good day, when I'm not panicking about my breathing, or lack thereof); and I can ride my "road bike" 15 miles without wanting to die in the middle. I like all of those things. A lot. This is not a challenge to you but an encouragement. Whatever it is you want to do, well, you can do it if you really, really want it. If you don't really, really want it you can still do it but I don't know if you will.

Here's some advice you didn't ask for and probably don't want:

1. Although we are a generation and a nation of immediate gratification types you don't need to do everything today. In fact I believe that if you do just one thing today (rather than 30 or 12 or even 3) you will do better in the long run. Pick something easy. How about replacing your calorie beverages with water? Or getting 1/2 hour more sleep tonight? Or walking around the block right now? Sure, it might feel pathetic. Do whatever it is anyway. Call the doctor. Write that letter. Buy yourself a journal or a calendar or some post-it notes or a new pair of sneakers.* Go outside and stare at the sky for a while. But remember: just one thing. There's time for all of those things you want to get to and you don't want to lose your focus on the very first day, do you?


2. Create a little support network, even a super duper tiny one. These things are more fun with other people to whine at, right? And then they whine back at you which oddly doubles the fun. Make yourself accountable to at least one person (and that person may not reside in your own head with you).


3. Make a promise to yourself, give yourself a little treat right this minute, make a list of things to bribe yourself with, put your goals on the bathroom mirror, make a brand new playlist, recruit a buddy, bookmark something you really, really, really, really want.


4. If you just can't get going on something you know you want to do think about the part of you that really wants to move forward. And then think about the part of you that doesn't, and figure out what's going on over there. There's a reason you aren't moving forward—what is it?

That wasn't too bad, right? The resolutions, the naval gazing, the new beginnings, they're all cliche. But at the same time isn't a brand new year a good time to start over, motivate yourself, or admit something big to yourself? Well, isn't it? If you need more time the Lunar New Year begins on Valentine's Day this year. That's 31 more days to relax before you start your new beginning.

I've got more goals this year than usual. I suppose if you set a goal and accomplish it it's easier to set the next goal. Plus I'm a freaky freak now who has a big, crazy goal which will take years to accomplish. And the New Year makes me a little giddy some days. Giddy like insane.

• I want to run 10 miles for the first time ever this year.


• I want to ride my bike 30 miles at least once this year.


• I want to swim 1/2 mile in the lake (not the lagoon) without feeling like I am in the process of drowning.


• I want to get a better time in my triathlon this year than I did last year.


• I want to get closer to taking 365 photos in a row than I did last year.


• I want to get my yellow belt.


• I want to keep the blog going for 12 months, even through the summer, this year.


• I want to dye my hair pink.

If you've read this far and you aren't completely annoyed with me I have a little surprise for you. Free stuff that's already bought and ready to go. A little care package just for you. New Year's resolutions type of stuff. Leave a comment. You can tell me one of your resolutions, tell me you hate resolutions, make funny faces, or just say hi and you're entered just like that.

*If your goal is exercise related I'm very serious about the sneakers (or insert appropriate footwear here). New, properly fitting, made-specifically-for-your-sport-of-choice footwear is important. It will make you feel perky and you will prevent injuries and foot problems and you might even cause a new star to be born. And if you are going to run I'm even more serious. Find yourself a good running shop if at all possible. Get the new shoes no matter what.

help me help you

Two quick questions for you:
[I know, I know, I'm barely back and I'm already asking you for things. I apologize. But still. Help me.]

1. Does anyone out there have any kind of sewing patterns from China that are not clothing? I am specifically looking for patterns for items which are commonly handcrafted in China, such as those embroidered stuffed animals, tiger slippers or hats, anything along those lines. I did a very long google search yesterday and came up with nothing. So many Japanese crafting goodies out there, and nothing at all from China.

2. Where do you buy your red envelopes for Lunar New Year? I was on a Web site which is probably familiar to many of you in the adoption community (and which I happen to enjoy and support) this weekend and what they are charging for red envelopes is ridiculous. It's an envelope! And it's tiny! I got some at the local Chinese grocery last year but there was no selection and the ones I bought were ugly. I am thinking about making my own, but I've got a lot of pots in the fire right now and if I don't absolutely have to make them I probably won't. I may venture into Chinatown if I get a chance. Anyway, where will you buy your envelopes?

Ok, so I'm not really helping you. You're just helping me. I'll help you later. Pinkie swear.

2010

We're back. Well, I'm back. Again. I'm not in the mood to make any promises right now, but I'm fairly sure that I am, you know, committed to this whole blog thing and that I will probably choose to hang around for a least a little while, if not longer.

And I missed you.

And I'm feeling very blabby.

And I've got some fun bloggy projects planned.

But mostly I missed you.