grrlTravels: Z. is Z. is Z.

January 28, 2010

Z. is Z. is Z.

"Mommy, may I fly earth to the moon?" Z. asks me 23 times each day. "Yes," I say, "if you want it badly enough, anything is possible." But I don't really believe it, not when it comes to Z., and perhaps not ever. I certainly don't know what is possible for her, and every time I say yes I feel a little pang of guilt over the possibility that I'm lying.

I've been struggling over my Z. update, mostly because I've been struggling over my mothering with her too. She is still such an enigma to me, still so many unknowns, still so many mountains to climb beside her. When I say to K.,"What do you think is going to happen with Z.?" he gives me the same answer as always: "I think Z. is going to live with us forever." We've long since made our peace with it, but now when he answers me I feel a huge sadness for Z. We are fine with her living with us forever, but what about her? Is that what she would really want?

Of course the answer to that question is no. Of course she will not want to live with us forever. Of course she will want her own life.

The thing is, I'm not a pusher. I'm a watcher, a patient waiter, and a little lazy to boot. I like to give my kids time, time to grow, time to develop, time to get ready for things. And because I'm not a pusher Z. is still sleeping in a crib, still in diapers, and still not eating. Oh, I don't take all of the responsibility for those things; Z. is moving slowly, showing us growth and pockets of resistance, showing us new skills and old patterns of retreat. But some of the responsibility is mine, and lately I've been doing a lot of mental gymnastics trying to determine how much harder I should push and when following my instincts is still appropriate.

My Z. is a happy 5-year-old, not happy-go-lucky, but happy most of the time. She is giggly on occasion, likes school, is infatuated with Dora, begs to go to the playground, loves to be read to, wants to snuggle. My Z. cannot write a single letter, cannot stand the sensation of food in her mouth, cannot hop on one leg, cannot copy a pattern, is missing a ton of consonants. She is a fascinating and daunting combination of success and frustration, bravery and fear, courage and denial.

"Mommy, may I take a picture of moon?" she asks. "Of course," I say. She holds up a book as if taking a picture, then puts the book in her lap and looks at it. "It's blurry," she tells me. "Well, it's pretty hard to take pictures in the dark. They are blurry a lot. Keep trying,' I say.

Keep trying, girl, keep trying. I'll keep trying right alongside you.

Posted by grrlTravels at January 28, 2010 6:51 PM

Comments

I've not read your blog in a while. With two five year olds at home, I've just not had as much time as I'd like to visit my list of favorite blogs.

Z sounds delayed but not really that far off of what my kids are doing. Some of her sentences sound better than my girls! Mine were in a crib until they were five and just graduated to big-girl beds in the last couple of months. Gwen still has to be locked in her room at night or she'll wander around the house in the dark. They have some strengths and some weaknesses. New challenges ever day! Gwen still can't eat anything that doesn't totally dissolve in her mouth. She vomited trying to eat a piece of tangerine today. Bread and cheese and noodles are her only food.

Anyway, I hope they eventually catch up!

Donna

Posted by: Donna (Double Happiness) at January 31, 2010 11:50 PM

Z is a sweet and beautiful little girl. With her family beside her, she will find the strength and courage to achieve whatever she wants. Even going to the moon...

Posted by: Susan at February 1, 2010 9:37 AM

I wish I had something clever or helpful or soothing to say. I just wanted to let you know that I read this post and was moved by it and I'm wishing you all the best.

Posted by: Katie J at February 1, 2010 10:05 AM

A, this post made me cry. You are such a good mom to Z. You do all of the advocacy stuff of course, but even more importantly you love her for exactly who she is -- an amazing, beautiful, interesting, engaging little girl. With you and K. behind her, she'll live her dreams whatever they may be. And that includes a trip to moon. xo P.S. If you and Z. would ever like to write a letter to an astronaut, let me know. I'm related to one who is an excellent correspondent. ;-)

Posted by: betsy at February 1, 2010 7:03 PM

This is my 4th attempt at commenting on this. I just can't seem to find the right words today, but I think your title sums this up beautifully. Z is your girl, I remember when you first became her Mum. You've both grown so much in so many ways since then, but you're both ultimately true to yourselves. While I know there's many scary things and difficult problems ahead, I'm sure Z will grow into an amazing woman, because you will give her what she needs to climb those mountains. I'm so glad she has a Mum like you who can give her the space to find her way in her own time with so much love and support.

Posted by: SassyCupcakes at February 2, 2010 5:13 AM

That made me tear up a bit. I know whatever is best for her and your family will happen. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Posted by: Mary at February 2, 2010 11:17 AM

I just found your blog again and I'm happy you're writing again. This post made me cry because I thought it was a beautiful portrait of a very special little girl. She certainly has a strong foundation in her mama.

Posted by: Vicky at February 3, 2010 9:11 AM

Z may or may not want to be with your forever, but she will find her own way!

Posted by: Spacemom at February 3, 2010 11:18 PM

I know many people of different abilities (or disabilities ..whatever you want to call it). If Z can ask the question "May I fly to the moon?" she is already far far beyond most of the individuals I know. She will get there. There are services and opportunities for her to be far more independent than perhaps you can picture just now and who knows what will be there 20 years from now ... my bet is a lot. A great many opportunities for whatever choices she makes. Go Z!

Posted by: Joanne at February 5, 2010 9:35 PM